The door closed with a click and I heard mother's footsteps fade away. I needed to wake early for my driver's exam tomorrow. They would ask me to drive around in circles and parallel park and that sort of stuff. I knew I'd do well; I was a natural. Driving decently was in my genes after all. My grandfather had been a racecar driver—the famous kind. People would chant his name from the stands, almost with fervent devotion. Teenagers would put his posters up on their walls and dream of being as successful as him. Women would send him gifts: shoes, watches, alcohol... anything that might tempt him to date them. He loved the gifts and the attention, but he had eyes only for my grandma. I had inherited this commitment, but it had skipped a generation.
My parents' divorce had been a messy affair. There were a lot of tears, some violent yelling, and unnecessary drama. Of course, I was the only one who thought it unnecessary. Both my parents were too furious to care. How different this was to my grandparents' relationship, I thought. I think about a lot of things, especially on those days when it gets hard to sleep. What thoughts keep other people up at night, I wonder. And what do animals think about when they can't sleep? You can't tell a sheep to count sheep.
A lot of animals mated for life, but some just didn't. I guess it's the same with humans. My mother had remarried, and a stranger had now become family. I turned that thought around in my head, and after I thought about it long enough, it didn't feel weird. This happens to words sometimes. One day you're living your life normal as ever, but suddenly a word starts to seem different. You've seen this word a million times before, but it suddenly seems new to you. You wonder if it's the right spelling.
I toss over to the cold side of the bed. I like how the cold jerks me awake, but my mind tries to numb this feeling. My mind knows that I need some sleep. My mind is contradicting itself. I know it, I feel it, but I can't do a thing about it. Except maybe lose some sleep over it. Kinda what I'm already doing anyway.
I glance at the clock—3 AM. Only two more hours and I'd have to wake up. Why even sleep? Night is the best part of day. Everyone is busy living a fantasy (or a nightmare) in their dreams. The animals are silent, the birds and trees are asleep. The only witnesses are the winds. Winds that swoop in soundlessly through windows and inspect all the corners of your room. Winds that stayed inside until they got sucked out or pushed out.
I thought of all the people I had pushed out of my life, with just a twinge of regret. I had never liked to socialize, but I did have friends. The trouble was that I couldn't maintain contact with them. They'd come over and want to take me out. They'd want to stay in with me and watch a movie or gossip about classmates. But I never had any energy for all this. I'd always refuse, politely at first and then rudely if they didn't listen. Eventually, most of these people had stopped calling on me, and I couldn't care less. Except on nights like this when I felt lonely.
I turned to peer out my window and saw the moon, bright and lonely as ever. How could something look so cheerful when there was only darkness all around? I remembered the darkness that threatened to engulf me every night. This was a mistake. My sadness was looming in again. My thoughts were taking a downward spiral and I needed to bring myself out of it, except I didn't want to. It felt good to let go and give in to the pain. It felt good to feel the pain.
Somewhere in my mind, an alarm bell sounded. I needed to change the course of my thoughts ASAP. But it was too late already. The deepest, darkest thoughts were swirling in my mind. I was experiencing a sadness so unbearably inexpressible that my throat dried up. I had stirred the monster that resided in the depths of my consciousness, and I didn't want to put him back in. I wanted to let the monster devour my mind.
Suddenly, I felt a wetness on my cheek. The shock of this feeling was enough to wake me up from my descent into depression. I opened my eyes and found Latifa's brown eyes staring at me. She licked my face again. And again, and again, and again, and again...until I burst out laughing. "Okay girl, stop!" I giggled. Latifa, encouraged by my response, started licking me again. This went on until I gave in and guffawed. Her mission accomplished, Latifa barked in delight. She then scampered around my bed and cuddled up next to me. Looking at her, I only thought two more thoughts before falling soundly asleep. One was how much I loved her, and how glad I was that I had her. Second, how the hell did she know that I needed saving from my own mind?
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