“Goodnight, ma” I said, and ended my perfectly average day. I was just a normal guy, working a normal job at a normal city. Until one day –
I woke up with a jerk to realize that I was sleeping on a rock. In something that looked like a cave. With some weird apple next to me (not the Steve Jobs Apple, but the fruit).
I pinched myself, wondering if this was some crazy dream, and it hurt. I didn’t wake up, either. This was so weird — If I had an apple next to me in a prehistoric cave, then where was Eve? I looked around to find that the only source of light was from the ground, and the light was pink in color. Maybe I got drunk last night and ended up in the attic of some crazy gay bar. I tried to stand up, and had the most horrifying realization ever -my legs were fins! I laughed at the sheer absurdity of it all. If I had fins, then I should be in water. Not in some cave where light came out of the ground.
Then it hit me — maybe this was my Clark Kent moment. Maybe all my fantasies about being a Superhero were finally going to come true. Maybe some long lost hero would appear out of nowhere to tell me that the Earth was destined to destruction unless I stopped it. I waited, but nothing happened. I wanted to eat the apple, but it was so far away and I couldn’t walk to it because of my stupid fins.
Whatever happened next was so crazy — there is literally no other word to describe it — that even if you woke me up in the middle of the night, I would be able to describe it. You know how a candle melts into wax? Picture that happening. Now picture the same thing happening in reverse. Imagine the wax turning into the candle. The apple suddenly turned into wax (damn, I was hoping to eat that), and then un-melted (is that even a word?) into a weird…thing.
This thing had a mouth where it’s armpits should have been. “Hello, Human.” it said, waving its arm at me. The arm was coming out of its ‘face’, and the thing was somehow floating. Now when Superman floated, he looked incredible, but when this thing floated, it only made me want to puke my guts out. Right then, I decided to call it Pukey.
“Um. Hello, Pukey. Where am I?” I asked the classic question. Hey, everyone’s allowed to have their amnesia moment.
“You are in Hell, Human. Welcome” Pukey replied.
“Oh man! I knew I would end up in hell. Does that mean I’m dead? Am I dead enough to miss the big math test tomorrow?” I cried out in joy, fist-pumping the air.
“Oh. Your math test. Right. Wait here, human. There seems to be a mistake in our calculations.” So saying, he disappeared.
I was about to sigh, but then he reappeared sooner than you can say Jack Robinson. I had to watch that weird un-melting-wax-from-candle process again. I suppressed my dezire to puke.
“I am sorry, human. Your math test is way too important. We will be sending you back to The World immediately.”
I groaned. Me and my big fat mouth. Before I knew it, Pukey was running at me with a hammer. He hit me hard, before my reflexes kicked in, and then suddenly, everything went black.
“Ow!” I cried out loud, and woke up in a hospital bed. The doctor looked at me, his mouth agape with surprise. I realized that I had had an NDE — a near death experience.
The next few days were a blur, but I suddenly became this massive Internet celebrity.
Everywhere I went, people looked at me with awe and called me “the Boy who lived”. It was frustrating because I couldn’t even go to the supermarket without being mobbed.
I was suddenly famous, and it was just because of my math test, which, ironically, I had failed miserably in.
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